Conversations with Durqa

I sometimes wish that I could tape record all the conversations that Laura and I have with Durqa.  Some of them are so simple and beautiful, some leave me laughing so hard I get a stomach ache, and others leave my brain whirling.  One of our most recent conversations was regarding sex.  I have thought for a little while about the appropriateness of including this in my blog but I decided that dialogue regarding sex is a huge step forward in women’s liberation and in developing nations making healthy decisions regarding sexual health practices and healthy family planning decisions. 

As a side note I must mention that Durqa’s marriage is not recognized by the government.  The age difference between her husband and her is too large and the government does not allow marriages with such an age gap.  This however, does not keep a Brahmin from performing the service.  So her wedding is recognized by Hindus but not by the government.

The three of us (Laura, Durqa, and I) were sitting in the kitchen area of our house.  Somehow the conversation was focused on marriage.  She then began talking about ‘the secret’ which from previous conversations we knew was sex.  The individual in me that loves culture started probing.  I asked her how she found out about ‘the secret’ and sadly she told me on her wedding night.  Blown away by this and making sure we didn’t mishear what she had said Laura and I asked her again in several different ways.  She told us that no one ever told her about sex.  It just happened on the night of her wedding.  We asked her if she will tell her son or if her husband will tell her son and she sternly told us that she will not tell her son.  It was unclear who would actually tell her son.  She did tell us that she will tell her son’s wife on the wedding day about sex because she is a good woman. 

This conversation has left me thinking so much.  I got to thinking about how Durqa’s younger life and marriage took place in a village with little to no access to media.  Therefore, she probably did not have access to any media which would have told her about sex previous to her marriage.  Also, women do not talk about sex at all.  It is strictly a marriage secret as Durqa let us know several times.  I was also left feeling like Durqa and I am sure many other women experienced rape.  Maybe that is being culturally biased or insensitive but she had no idea what was going to happen to her and she definitely did not consent to the sex.  I think it is very interesting that her mother did not tell her about sex or what to expect on the night of her marriage.  I am sure that it probably happened to her as well.  Wouldn’t she want to tell her daughter?  Maybe she was afraid Durqa would run away but it does seem like there are many opportunities to discuss sex after the marriage ceremony and before the wedding night.  The conversation ended with Durqa standing up and with a tired face telling us that she does not like sex.  I got up, gave her a hug, and told her she was beautiful.  I don’t think I could endure what Durqa has endured and still smile every day.